The price of priceless

Noticed a few fewer scooters in the real estate ads lately? Yeah, me too. One of the big shifts in Vancouver condo marketing is the emphasis on “recreational retirement properties” from outside the Lower Mainland.

I’m an urban guy and I like to keep an urban focus but the marketers have so heavily infested the Vancouver media with ads for “heartland” properties that I have no choice but to start making fun of them.

Sheerwater is a gated lakefront community in Kelowna. The developer is an outfit called The Mission Group. It’s unclear if their marketing is done in house, or if a hired gun has been brought on board to finish the score.

Not that that really matters. Only a true real estate marketer could have the courage to call a property both “priceless” and “starting at $750,000.” Yeah, thanks for the heads-up on that. Good thing to know priceless has a price.

And what’s with the Rob Lowe dude on the boat? It’s Westbank not West Wing, fellas. Forget appealing to the young urban professionals whose resumes include time serving under President Bartlet. Oh, what, I’m supposed to see a tie-in to the lakefront because Lowe’s character was named Seaborn? Give it up.

Cooling the heat of the hype

I can’t help but wonder if the humiliation Platinum Project Marketing Group has suffered because of this blog has influenced the way they do business. Their most recent condo marketing work — like this campaign for City Point as well as another Surrey project called Morgan Crossing — is much more restrained than what we’ve seen in the past.

Don’t get me wrong, the exuberance is still there but it’s far less interested in being totally outrageous. For example, this ad for City Point with its basic negative-art design and limited use of adjectives, is near revolutionary in its tameness. At least by Platinum standards anyway.

Remember, it was only a few months ago that saw Platinum pitching the d’Corize condo in crime-plagued Whalley as a “majestic landmark” in Central Surrey’s “most desirable neighbourhood.”

I’m happy to see Platinum layoff the superlatives for City Point even though it makes it harder for me to make fun of them. At the end of the day, it’s always good to see the condo marketers learning from their mistakes. (Granted, there is something funny about Central Surrey being positioned as the “hottest condo market” even though the real estate sales numbers probably back that up as truth.)

Wait, a second — condo marketers learning from their mistakes?! Could it really be true? Wowsers. What’s next, a market crash?

Fingers crossed, bears.

Trashing Tamarind Westside

This ad for the Tamarind Westside condos in Abbotsford has it all. It really does. Bad fonts and bad copy. Mention of an investment opportunity. Priority pre-registration. Flowers. A woman having an orgasm in an open field.

The condos might start at $119,900 but this marketing is priceless.

What’s the deal behind the Tamarind Westside? Here’s the story straight from the project’s official website copy:

Tamarind Westside is a hip enclave of 188 unique, urban-style condos tucked away in a private corner of a contemporary neighbourhood on the west side of Abbotsford.

The location offers conveniences at your doorstep with amenities just a quick stroll away — including a fitness centre, Starbucks, and a diverse array of other vibrant restaurants and businesses.

The freeway access is incredible… just a one minute commute to the Mt. Lehman interchange and you’re on your way!

Hip enclave? Urban-style? Starbucks as an amenity? Wow, I don’t even have to write a punchline this is such comic gold.

My personal favourite?

“One minute commute to the Mt. Lehman interchange.”

I thought Rennie gave us big laughs with one minute from Vancouver. Sorry King Bob. You just lost the comedy crown.

Incontestably useless marketing

There’s an old saying about censorship that says nothing gets sales going like a good book-burning. In the context of condo marketing, I’d bet the same holds true. If the condo marketers got together and torched all the condo writing style guides, dictionaries, and thesauruses, we could very well see an increase in unit sales.

Put another way, I can’t see sales getting any worse. The language of the condo marketers has moved so far into the realm of ubiquity that toothpaste copy seems insightful by comparison.

Consider this “information” for the new Sky Towers condo in Surrey:

Unprecedented opportunity arrives in Central City. Sky Towers proudly boasts the best location and the best views in one of the Lower Mainland’s fastest growing urban communities. In fact, the City of Surrey has experienced a YTD rental vacancy decline of 1.9% and is forecast to develop at nearly twice the rate of Vancouver in the coming years. With abundant shopping, appealing restaurants and the incontestable convenience of the King George SkyTrain station only steps outside your door, both the smart home buyer and the smart investor can agree that an opportunity like this is rare.

The Sky is no longer the limit, it’s just the beginning.

Yeah thanks for coming out. That last part feels like it’s fresh off the box of a Dolph Lundgren video or maybe a Disney flick about a dog that’s good at playing Ultimate.

When selling a new condo in Surrey, a city bursting with new condo development, how is there any value in using words like “unprecedented” and “rare” to describe it? Same goes for this business about “smart” investors. How is this useful? Easy! It isn’t. Marketers know this, buyers know this — yet it’s there, forever wasting our time.

It’s all useless, completely and entirely.

No, I am not a nihilist.

Taste of Ginger

What better way to celebrate Labour Day than to reflect on the “work” put into the marketing for the Ginger condos in Vancouver. This is a development, as the developer puts it, of “zesty homes in Chinatown, a playground rich with history, bustling with energy and loaded with worldly pleasures.”

That this ad is themed around exoticism and food shows the limited imagination of marketers when it comes to “ethnic” marketing. This brand is superficial at best, bigoted at worst. They might as well take it one step further and give a discount if you own a Jeep Cherokee.

Could there not be a different way of thinking about Chinatown beyond cliches about the piquancy of Chinese cuisine?

Let me put it this way. Would you think it appropriate to brand a condo Tandoori? How about Gefilte? You see where I’m going.

Congratulations, Porte Development Corp. You just got your first taste of condohype. Now what’s that you say about liking it spicy?

Point of no return

So let me get this straight. Hiking equals trees. Après hiking equals granny smith apples in a dish. Red Point is a condo and townhouse development in Squamish. As great as the forest is, the fruit bowl in the kitchen is even better.

Right.

If this is the kind of logic game that excites you, then I’d encourage you to register to learn more about the “adventure homes” at Red Point.

Sotheby’s International Realty Canada is the “exclusive offerer” of Red Point. Sotheby’s, we are told by their copy, is a name “synonymous with quality.” I like to think of them as the antonym of modesty.

The autioneer’s pompousness clearly shows in the marketing of the development. The name Red Point is a metaphor for rock-climbing success. “From hiking to biking, from kite surfing to beach walking, Red Point isn’t just a place to call home. It’s your home base for an exceptional life.”

I’d like to hear someone spew that spin in conversation and not get themselves laughed out of the room. Imagine your buddy Joe telling Mary, “It’s not so much a townhouse as it is a home base. For all my adventure needs. It’s exceptional, really.”

In mentioning Joe and Mary, I owe a debt to the Red Point Living Blog where the characters were first introduced. In typical corporate-blog fashion, this blog is dead on arrival. Launched August 10, the thing boasts two posts — the first of which consists of “content” that begs readers to “visit the blog often.”

For those who kept checking the blog for the next ten days, nothing would be there to warrant the visits. However, on the eleventh day, Red Point’s director of sales comes out of hiding to pony up deep thoughts about how “it’s better to buy real estate and wait than to wait and buy real estate.”

Anyone looking for a name synonymous with hype?

Controversy at Olympic Court

An open letter to the Vancouver Organizing Committee for the 2010 Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games:

Recently I came across a very informative page on your website detailing the urgency of protecting the Olympic Brand. I found it interesting to learn of the many legal and trademark protections designed to prevent unauthorized association with the Olympic Movement.

A brand, Olympic or otherwise, is an important business asset. Companies that fail to protect their names and marks may very well see their brands hijacked by competitors, or worse. One can only imagine the implications of, say, a blogger with negative sentiments whose writing about condo marketing consistently comes up higher in Google than official condo websites. But I digress.

I write today to alert you to a residential development named Olympic Court at 10289 133rd Street in Surrey. Based on my understanding of Olympic Brand guidelines, I fear this development may be infringing on the trademark rights of VANOC and the International Olympic Committee. I am informed by this language in the Olympic Brand FAQ:

Businesses that began using the word “Olympic” (or similar terms) in their names or marks after January 1998 without the permission of VANOC, the COC or the IOC will be required to change their names and marks and stop using all symbols that suggest a connection to the Olympic Movement.

In order to allow for a truly impartial investigation, I leave it to VANOC to identify the particular aspect of this development which may be deemed to contravene brand protection guidelines.

In the spirit of 2010,

condohype

Fortune cookie taglines

As crazy as it is that people are willing to drop a half million to “live the lifestyle” at The Harris at Brentwood Gate, it is even more troubling to think that an ad such as this could actually motivate anyone to do it.

Not all masterpieces are created on canvas, eh? Yeah, well not all geniuses work in condo marketing.

Seriously, who comes up with this bunk? This is the kind of crap you’d expect in a fortune cookie. Thinking of fortune cookies, why pay a marketer to come up with this stuff when a quick snack at Jane’s Restaurant on East Hastings can supply you with all the taglines you need. For example:

A king’s castle is his home.

It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

These three gems cost me less than ten bucks and included a plate of delicious sweet and sour pork that I shared with two friends. Now that’s value for money. I’d be surprised if the “condo brand consultancies” even bother to buy their clients coffee.

If you don’t like those taglines, just ask Jane for a few extra cookies. Who knows, you might come across a classic like this:

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

Now that’s funny.

Crossing but not cross-dressing

Inevitably, all great bloggers land a book deal. While condohype is far from the stratosphere of Fake Steve Jobs, there may one day be interest for a coffee-table book on the insanity of Vancouver condo marketing.

When that day comes, the masterminds at Platinum Project Marketing might be in line for a royalty cheque. Time and time again, my best commentary comes from ripping their campaigns. Their condo marketing “solutions” are the epitome of the hype problem. I really hope they’re in on the joke they’ve created. If they don’t get the joke, it’s because they are the joke.

Anyway, Platinum’s latest gag is on behalf of The Crossing condos in Abbotsford. Here’s their take:

All eyes are on Abbotsford — one of the fastest growing cities in Canada. Live here at The Crossing and you’ll be at the epicentre of a dynamic city packed with outstanding recreational and lifestyle options. And while Abbotsford’s urban style is fuelling a red-hot real estate market, you’ll still find lots of small town charm and quiet country ways. For the attention you deserve, connect with The Crossing…coming this Fall!

In my day I’ve heard Abbotsford called many things, but most of them involve coarse language and are best not repeated here. What (I) can tell you is that there are some things in life (that) just don’t make sense. The combination of “lifestyle options” and “small town charm and quiet country ways” are among them.

Look at the visual elements in this ad for these “contemporary bedroom residences” — whatever that means. (Let us pray that the future of housing doesn’t consider a bedroom as a special feature.)

The side margin gives us three pictures. First is a heterosexual couple, strategically photographed in white dress to be most palatable to the mostly religious population of what a condo marketer might call The Belt. Second is a cushion and tabletop, cropped tight to provide minimal context of the actual living conditions of the condo. Third is a shot of a woman and her notebook computer sprawled on an unspecified lawn. I guess this is Crossing’s idea of a home office.

Unfortunately we can’t know for sure. As always, the condo marketer is keeping a lid on the details. Hop a trip to the website and you’ll get treated to a Flash animation with almost nothing in the way of info. As the tagline says, Crossing is a condo where life and style connect. Too bad it doesn’t intersect with substance.

Commute time like never before

Any time a condo marketer pitches a property as unique, consider it a red flag. If you’re looking for a garden of red flags blowing in the wind of the hucksters’ hot air, then Collage in Burnaby is the place for you.

Urban living like never before. That’s the tagline for these “contemporary and stylish urban residences.” That’s some claim. I guess the folks at Polygon would have us believe that these are the first two-bedroom apartment homes in the Lower Mainland.

Polygon would also have us believe in its bizarre form of condo transit math. Commuting estimates always warrant special attention when they come from condo pitchmen as best demonstrated by Bob Rennie and the infamous “one minute from Vancouver” campaign for OMA. For Collage, we’re told that a trip to downtown Vancouver via the Millennium Line is accomplishable in “just ten minutes.”

Well, this might be true if the Millennium Line ran into downtown, but if you’re heading westbound from Brentwood Station, the route actually ends at Commercial Drive. When you get to the transfer station at Broadway, prepare for a heavy sprint to Expo Line platform a half-block away, and then hope you make a perfect connection and don’t have to fight to fit into the overloaded train car.

Any expectation of pulling this off during rush hour will ensure only one thing: You’ll be late for work like never before.