Surrey’s next top model is a rowhouse

Nothing screams cheap like an ad campaign that relies on weak parody to grab attention. Aside from the potentially disturbing stereotypes likely to flare up when one considers what Surrey’s next top model might actually look like, it doesn’t help when the comparison is made to a rowhome. Allow me to introduce KEW, where I’m told “old world architecture surrounds spacious modern interiors.”

As a general rule, it’s best to avoid mentioning Surrey in any aspect of your brand. Even the city’s community newspaper found a way around it. It’s no accident that it’s simply called The Now. But I guess this is a lesson lost on the developer of KEW who proudly shouts the name of the car theft capital of North America at the top of its latest ad.

As opposed to the Marpole disadvantage?

Nothing spells advantage better than a commute over a reversible lane bridge. At least that’s the pitch from Adera, the firm behind the NOMA urban townhome development in North Vancouver. With its central location at West 14th and Marine, NOMA offers residents the advantage of choosing between the Lions Gate or the Second Narrows to make it to work. Either way, you’ve got a big schlep ahead. Go NOMA!

Obviously, appealing to lifestyle concerns is the foundation of condo marketing. No surprises here. I guess where the fun comes in with this one is that it goes a step further than the usual “own the lifestyle” fluff. This ad implies there’s a lack of advantage in living in other regions in Greater Vancouver. To live the north shore advantage as opposed to what? The Marpole disadvantage? The Surrey contempt? The Burnaby compromise? Please Adera stop, you’re being mean!

In yet another demonstration of creativity bankruptcy in the condo biz, Adera has picked a four-letter name for the project by using the first letters of other short words to create their own acronym. You guessed it, this baby stands for north Marine. NOMA proudly joins the ranks of SOMA, OMA and all those other wonderful all-caps properties you can throw your money at. Why do something new when you can do the same thing?

No word on pricing but I suspect this beast will put you at an income disavantage for 25+ years plus interest, property tax and maintenance fees. Be sure to register so you don’t miss your chance.

Modernist living means not using a tripod

Going up at Scotia and 2nd, Jacobsen bills itself as modern “urbanist flat” offering a “modernist aesthetic and functionality to maximize your living experience.” Did I mention it’s modern?

What urbanism and modernism have to do with an unfinished floor and a hand-me-down piece of Ikea furniture I may never understand. I’d love to have been in on the brainstorm session that resulted in this gem. Somebody reads this the wrong way and these are the most expensive grey pants and brown shoes ever peddled out of an East Van address. I wonder why they opted not to show the window-walls?

Two-bedroom suites begin at a modern $529,000. Yippie.

Living. Redefined

It’s living, redefined. A new perspective on the Vancouver existence. A spectacular series of observations about the marketing of residential property. Experience the vibrant contempt only minutes from downtown. Elegant. Opulent. Two hundred and forty square feet. Welcome to condohype.