Chilliwack legacies now

Here’s another hunk of gold from the team at Platinum Marketing. For the New Mark condo development in “downtown” Chilliwack, Platinum disowns its traditional lifestyle approach in favour of a more historical sensibility. Because this is Chilliwack, what is called for is not lifestyle but legacy. That’s right. Buy now and own the legacy.

I love the choice of the couple, standing before a clouded sky in a field of wheat, dressed in the purity of white. Without question, these birds are “living the countercultural message of chastity to its fullest expression.” (If you know where I stole this quote from, you are awesome and have great taste in reading. If you don’t, that’s OK. Just read Russell Shorto’s fantastic article.)

Though you might say the upward tilt of the woman’s arm refers to buyers’ hopes for rising property values, I think she’s just pointing out the spot where she hopes to consummate her marriage. Again, this is Chilliwack.

Jump on over to New Mark website for a tease of a Flash animation with music. Actually the music and graphics kinda reminded me of the opening of a Neil LaBute movie. For a split second I was excited. Misanthropy and relationship dysfunction as a marketing device? Then I got to the copy and my hopes were shattered:

Picture a thriving community bright with promise. Open spaces, new opportunities, and room to grow. Play. Learn. Work. Live. This is Chilliwack, one of Canada’s most progressive and fastest growing cities. In this desirable destination, you will discover New Mark – the address of new beginning today … a legacy for tomorrow.

Progressive? Chilliwack? The last two federal elections in Chilliwack-Fraser Canyon saw the Conservative candidate win with more than 50% of the vote. If that’s progressive, what do you call East Van?

The legacies begin at $125,900. But please, smart buyers only.

Luxury is in the details

Not wanting to fall into a trap of repeated Surrey bashing — two posts so far and this blog isn’t even two weeks old — I’m hucking today’s quips to the northeast. Pack the bags, kids. It’s time to visit Pitt Meadows, the natural place to grow. (That’s the district’s official slogan, not my editorial judgment.)

For all you folks hurling the hype that there’s never been a better time to buy, I ask you to explain value-for-money in spending $319,900 for a 1,000 square-foot box in Pitt Meadows.

Welcome to Keystone.

Apparently, at least as far as MAC Marketing Solutions is concerned, the luxury of Keystone is in the details. Details including a washer and dryer, wood cabinets and tiled entries and bathrooms. If you haven’t fainted yet from all the opulence, you better not risk it by learning that Keystone also provides buyers with parking stalls. Two of them.

Your life. Your home.

Your money.

Get into the grüv

Editor’s note: For maximum enjoyment, please turn up your computer’s volume, open a new window to www.citygruv.com and allow the music to play. Then promptly return here and read the post below. Thank you.

Are they gasping at the price or the realization that their car’s been stolen? Again.

Faster than a Honda Civic gets jacked from a Whalley parking lot, the folks at Overture Living and Platinum Marketing have shovelled up Gruv. No wait. My mistake. It’s grüv.

Whatever it is, here’s what the web copy says:

Own your grüv for less than you pay for rent. Über cool brand new 1 and 2 bedroom condos and ultra funky lofts! You’re next to Central City Shopping, the new SFU campus, and Skytrain to get you anywhere else in record time.

Grüvy floorplans. Grüvy prices. Get into the grüv early. Register Today.

Notice the limited the mention of Surrey. The ad mentions Surrey twice, only once on its own and there’s no talk of Surrey in the web copy at all. Then there’s the tip-toe work with “Central City Shopping” and “the new SFU campus.” The omission of the Surrey moniker isn’t a mistake. It’s focus group research at its finest.

Then there’s my personal favourite, the travel time estimate to other parts of the city. Thanks to the Skytrain, grüv empowers owners to get to where they gotta go in “record” time. Record time? What is that?

Also, why is “Today” in “Register Today” capitalized when it’s not a proper name or the first word in the sentence? Why is it acceptable to combine the words “desirable” and “Surrey” and not be charged a fine? Why does lifestyle marketing make me so ill? What the hell is with this terrible music?!

I think I’m gonna püke.

A condo you can really love

Taking a look at the campaign for Donovan — yet another “cityhome” in Vancouver’s “happening” Yaletown — I couldn’t help but be reminded of a hilarious spoof ad that once showed up on Saturday Night Live. Entitled “Mercury Mistress” in reference to a new-model car, the ad takes sexuality in automobile advertising to its fullest conclusion. The ad shows it’s not enough to just use sex to sell the car. Instead, consumers are invited to have sex with the car. (The curious can watch the controversial clip here.)

Now it’s completely fair to say condo ownership could work to facilitate sexual activity. Typically a room — commonly, but not always, a bedroom — is used to complete intimate practices. I’m hip to that scene, yo. But Donovan asks something else. For buyers, it’s about getting intimate with Donovan:

Get intimate with Donovan….Yaletown convenience. Warm contemporary design & sexy urban style. Geothermal air-conditioning & heating to save money & the environment. Cressey constructed. Get to know Donovan.

Intimacy begins at $369,000. If you want to go all the way, get ready to pick up a tab of $2.1 million.

For a bonus laugh, take a look at how the Vancouver Sun puts the spin on Donovan’s bargain price:

With Cressey asking an average square-foot price of $699, a Donovan residence is expensive absolutely, but not relatively or comparatively. (February 10, 2007)

Now that’s pillow talk, baby.

The wealthy and the cutlery

Marketing homes to wealthy people is a different game. If you’re gonna convince someone to spend seven figures, your pitch needs to go beyond granite countertops, nine foot ceilings and access to “amenities.” Close-ups of frothy lattes and the smiling faces of sexually vivacious urban professionals also have little sway on the rich. (For sales below one million, these elements seal the deal and often prompt a waiting list.)

No, when dealing with the million-plus buyer, you need to focus on what counts:

The cutlery.

Introducing the Robert Ledingham Collection at Stirling House. To solicit your interest to spend $1.15 million, please enjoy an image of two open drawers, some napkins, glasses and plates, and two forks cuddled in a delicate embrace. It is this exquisite styling that reflects “a refined, understated elegance that is Mr. Ledingham’s trademark.”

There are no words.

Lifestyle by street number

In what is sure to bring about an arms race of lifestyle claims to each and every one of Vancouver’s numbered streets, the marketing blitz is now in full swing for First (sorry, FIRST), the Marcon–Wedgewood residential project that invites buyers to “live the West First lifestyle.” I’m a bit at a loss as to how the West First lifestyle compares to the West Second lifestyle but I can let it slide. This is a condo ad after all.

Apparently First is “only in Kits” — Kits referring to Kitsilano — which begs the question as to where the hell the street goes once it crosses out of the neighbourhood. Could there be life beyond Alma or Burrard? (I once had a friend who lived at First and Commercial but I never actually went to the place. Was it all a lie? No wait, that’s East Van. You can’t trust those urbanist modernists.)

If you have the time, take a visit to FIRST online. Then prepare yourself for a sampling of the limitless leisure afforded through ownership of this concrete palace. Guests to the site are treated to an animation depicting a 12-hour day, complete with suggested activites for residents. I’d offer my own remarks, but perhaps I’d be best to leave you with the ad copy itself:

Imagine your day at FIRST: A run on the beach, mid-morning latte, epicurean delights for lunch, browsing shops you’ll only find here… the possibilities are endless.

Wow. That’s great. Sounds like my day except I fit going to work in there, and minus the mid-morning latte (gotta get to work before mid-morning), epicurean delights for lunch (typically I eat at my desk for lunch while at work), and browsing unique shops (stores are usually closed by the time I get home from work). But maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe this does beat the West Second lifestyle!

One minute from “Vancouver”

The condos of One Madison Avenue (in Burnaby, not Manhattan, sorry folks) have been on the market for some time now. Condo king Bob Rennie has yet to sell all units so the ads still find themselves languishing in the homes pages of the Vancouver Sun. Also known as OMA, One Madison Avenue has a special place in my heart for its wonderfully shameless claim of being “one minute from Vancouver.” While technically true, a more accurate description would be one minute from the Vancouver-Burnaby border (the aptly named Boundary Road) which is effectively 25 minutes from downtown Vancouver and far less appealing. OMA also resides near a corporate industrial park where your “neighbourhood” consists of 120,000 square feet of movie studio production space. Ah, experience the amenities!

Surrey’s next top model is a rowhouse

Nothing screams cheap like an ad campaign that relies on weak parody to grab attention. Aside from the potentially disturbing stereotypes likely to flare up when one considers what Surrey’s next top model might actually look like, it doesn’t help when the comparison is made to a rowhome. Allow me to introduce KEW, where I’m told “old world architecture surrounds spacious modern interiors.”

As a general rule, it’s best to avoid mentioning Surrey in any aspect of your brand. Even the city’s community newspaper found a way around it. It’s no accident that it’s simply called The Now. But I guess this is a lesson lost on the developer of KEW who proudly shouts the name of the car theft capital of North America at the top of its latest ad.

As opposed to the Marpole disadvantage?

Nothing spells advantage better than a commute over a reversible lane bridge. At least that’s the pitch from Adera, the firm behind the NOMA urban townhome development in North Vancouver. With its central location at West 14th and Marine, NOMA offers residents the advantage of choosing between the Lions Gate or the Second Narrows to make it to work. Either way, you’ve got a big schlep ahead. Go NOMA!

Obviously, appealing to lifestyle concerns is the foundation of condo marketing. No surprises here. I guess where the fun comes in with this one is that it goes a step further than the usual “own the lifestyle” fluff. This ad implies there’s a lack of advantage in living in other regions in Greater Vancouver. To live the north shore advantage as opposed to what? The Marpole disadvantage? The Surrey contempt? The Burnaby compromise? Please Adera stop, you’re being mean!

In yet another demonstration of creativity bankruptcy in the condo biz, Adera has picked a four-letter name for the project by using the first letters of other short words to create their own acronym. You guessed it, this baby stands for north Marine. NOMA proudly joins the ranks of SOMA, OMA and all those other wonderful all-caps properties you can throw your money at. Why do something new when you can do the same thing?

No word on pricing but I suspect this beast will put you at an income disavantage for 25+ years plus interest, property tax and maintenance fees. Be sure to register so you don’t miss your chance.

Modernist living means not using a tripod

Going up at Scotia and 2nd, Jacobsen bills itself as modern “urbanist flat” offering a “modernist aesthetic and functionality to maximize your living experience.” Did I mention it’s modern?

What urbanism and modernism have to do with an unfinished floor and a hand-me-down piece of Ikea furniture I may never understand. I’d love to have been in on the brainstorm session that resulted in this gem. Somebody reads this the wrong way and these are the most expensive grey pants and brown shoes ever peddled out of an East Van address. I wonder why they opted not to show the window-walls?

Two-bedroom suites begin at a modern $529,000. Yippie.