Lifestyle by street number

First - Only in Kits

In what is sure to bring about an arms race of lifestyle claims to each and every one of Vancouver’s numbered streets, the marketing blitz is now in full swing for First (sorry, FIRST), the MarconWedgewood residential project that invites buyers to “live the West First lifestyle.” I’m a bit at a loss as to how the West First lifestyle compares to the West Second lifestyle but I can let it slide. This is a condo ad after all.

Apparently First is “only in Kits” — Kits referring to Kitsilano — which begs the question as to where the hell the street goes once it crosses out of the neighbourhood. Could there be life beyond Alma or Burrard? (I once had a friend who lived at First and Commercial but I never actually went to the place. Was it all a lie? No wait, that’s East Van. You can’t trust those urbanist modernists.)

If you have the time, take a visit to FIRST online. Then prepare yourself for a sampling of the limitless leisure afforded through ownership of this concrete palace. Guests to the site are treated to an animation depicting a 12-hour day, complete with suggested activites for residents. I’d offer my own remarks, but perhaps I’d be best to leave you with the ad copy itself:

Imagine your day at FIRST: A run on the beach, mid-morning latte, epicurean delights for lunch, browsing shops you’ll only find here… the possibilities are endless.

Wow. That’s great. Sounds like my day except I fit going to work in there, and minus the mid-morning latte (gotta get to work before mid-morning), epicurean delights for lunch (typically I eat at my desk for lunch while at work), and browsing unique shops (stores are usually closed by the time I get home from work). But maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe this does beat the West Second lifestyle!

21 Responses to “Lifestyle by street number”

  1. blueskies Says:

    afforded through ownership of this concrete palace

    directly across the street is the Seaforth Armoury, a crenelated castle in it’s own right. (During military hostilities this site may be a target for a preemptive nuclear strike)

    Also features a great view of the Molson’s Brewery complete with automated light board featuring time and temperature. (Beer wars?… see comment above)

    … to the south, why it’s a PetroCanada service station complete with food store to sate those late night munchies. (Gas price wars? …ditto)

  2. ThePope Says:

    That view of the Molsons brewery comes with an extra special bonus: It’s in smell-o-vision! I love walking by there in the summer and smelling a fresh batch of beer brewing.. Its smells a little bit like urine, but in a good way.

  3. scoop Says:

    CH, I like the new site. There is so much comic material out there for you to work from, and more all the time. Keep it up.

    “Only in Kits” is an odd choice for a tag line. Maybe they were hoping to locate it somewhere nice, and this is an apology. Sorry guys, it’s only in Kits. We tried to find a site in West Point Grey, but they weren’t making any more land there.

  4. funnyboy Says:

    condohype you’re a Funny Boy. Keep it coming.

  5. WoodenHorse Says:

    Great Site. I’m lovin’ it.

  6. Paul Says:

    A few Saturday’s ago, the Vancouver Sun did a ‘review’ (read ‘Advertisement’). I had signed up for their “pre-registration” (don’t get me started on the whole ‘pre-‘ concept we’re so fond of with ‘pre-approved’, ‘pre-registered’, pre-school, which really only mean ‘approved’, ‘registered’ and ‘school’. But I digress!) and was told to be prepared for the weather conditions, considering that there was a high likelyhood that a “line up situation may be in effect.” I received a follow-up email stating that after the Saturday sell-off, “90% of the units have been sold.”
    I don’t know who is more sillier; me for not herding myself along like a sheep, others who jumped on the bandwagon, or “Platinum Marketing” companies needing oodles of double-speak to sell condos and lifestyles.

  7. Noname Says:

    I am not sure about the prices, but after buying into a building at Kits, I am quite sure there won’t be money left over for that mid-morning latte, epicurean delights for lunch, and shopping at the local boutiques…

  8. jesse Says:

    Tribeca

    SoMa

    Now NoMa. Which city am I in again? I am so easily confused.

  9. Real Estute Says:

    Really well written blog. Very funny.

  10. CSB Says:

    If I could market this masterpiece, I would have preferred leveraging Zero on Zero. Zero down on Zero return.

  11. PricedOutForever Says:

    Brilliant blog; my mailbox is full everyday with glossy brochures with granite countertops as far as the eye can see!! My favorite is Smart Gas-Town; i have always dreamed of living the Hastings & Main lifestyle, and now i can for only 3 or 400k!

  12. solipsist Says:

    Welcome Hype, and thanks.

    Nice site – very clean, very dry humour – just as we like it.

    Might I point you to The Hills, soon coming to the Eldorado site at Kingsway and Nanaimo? There is some gold in that, but I’m sure that you will draw your own inferences from that one…

    Thanks for the link, and for hanging your shingle. I will get a reciprocal link up pronto.

  13. condohype Says:

    The Hills Have Eyes! 🙂

    Appreciate the link, solipsist. And thanks for the kind words everyone. Who would’ve thought Vancouver condo marketing could be so much fun? Keep visiting and keep posting. Cheers.

  14. Jaymo Says:

    I love it. A sober (and witty) voice is needed to keep the condo marketing machine on its toes. Check out the DoMain condo development Apparently the Vancouver’s hippest condo. Ever!’ WTF? Imagine the roasting you’d get from your friends for the next bazillion years if you bought there.

    http://domainliving.ca/

  15. blueskies Says:

    just imagine what you could do with “W”

    add in a “T” for “33” for the Pender units and
    toss in an “F” for the Smart ones…

    there you go WTF! ….the Triangle

  16. Slo Says:

    Brilliant!! I so needed this. Hilarious

  17. Swirlyman Says:

    Noname:
    What do you mean, no money left over? Don’t you know these ads are all directed at the hordes of mega-wealthy elite con artists and mafiosos who want a pad in a city where authorities will look the other way and where drugs are cheap and accessible…no wonder the W and the Whalley developments sold out so fast!
    But what about us ordinary folk? Maybe these condo hucksters also need to give lessons on how to run a discreet grow-op or promote penny stocks, so that we too can live the lifestyle!

  18. babybull40 Says:

    Who would have thought that concrete could be “architecturally intelligent”?
    Apparently somebody does.. I find that quite funny…cool site.. I followed Solipsist here..

  19. Catherine Says:

    YES!!! YES!! YES!!

    I’m laughing myself silly over here in Kits. Keep up the good work!

    I SO think it’s time that someone translated the real estate marketer’s bubblespeak for regular people. Maybe you can look into publishing a dictionary for us. Something like “Real Estate Language for Beginners”?

    Make them work a little harder on those ridiculously expensive brochures! 🙂
    How many times have we seen ‘unimaginable lifestyles’ advertised for buildings that end up with smelly fast food outlets on the ground floor? (For example, see the one at Blenheim and Broadway – complete with Macdonalds smelly burger place.)

    The newest ‘Kits’ lifestyle is on 4th, two blocks east of Alma. The bottom of this unbelieveable value (for about 750K for tiny townhouses) is an IGA. Now while I like IGAs and I shop at them, I wouldn’t want to live above one. Hey, maybe they’ll throw in a liquor store too, to make the picture perfect. Drunks and late night shoppers!! Wow, there’s a lifestyle experience!

    GREAT WORK!
    C

  20. Biff Says:

    But nobody mentioned the faucets! The more expensive the condo….the best picture they have of the sink and faucets. I’m willing to be that it doesn’t look any better during a brown water advisory though.

  21. Kitsilano.ca - Kits’ Neighbourhood blog. » Condo Hype in Kitsilano Says:

    […] he’s firing zingers at the crazy condo marketing machines that call Vancouver home. CondoHype calls out Kitsilano’s new FIRST on First this week and points out that not everybody lives a life of […]

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