Bob Rennie is offering love

We’re eleven months away from Valentine’s Day but this means nothing to Bob Rennie, Vancouver’s king of condo marketing and master guru behind 1212 Howe. Themed to a bouquet of roses, the condo carries the tagline “good things come in 12’s.”

Allow me a moment to get a glass of water. I need to cool off.

Now, beyond the promiscuous “dozen lovers” theme — visits to the clinic are sure to follow — there doesn’t seem to be much to this brand. Was Bob too busy with his BC Business interview to give this campaign the full love it deserves? OK, I’m pushing it, but you’ve gotta wonder about the amount of effort going into a brand like this. Heck, they even went cheap on the website music.

Recognize that grüvy tune?

Homer + Helmcken Redux

Faster than you can say “receivership,” the penthouse pads at Homer + Helmcken are on the market, ready to usurp the maximum of your 40-year mortgage dollars. It was only late last month when the original developer performed condo seppuku, leaving receiver Bowra Group to address the mess. Naturally, this means an ad in the paper and a website punched up with the sounds of condo pop.

The rebranding of H+H, at least for right now, is penthouse-only. Bowra refers to H+H’s target demographic as “Penthouse enthusiasts” — much to my personal amusement. Did somebody say money shot?

Max out your credit

If Kitsilano’s Lady Pulse wasn’t your kind of condo hottie — I admit, her watermelon fetish kinda creeped me out — perhaps you’d fancy a date with her more suburban strata sister? If so, grab yourself a three-zone bus ticket and make your way to Guildford Mall — you’ve got a date with Max.

Max is a girl of “elegance and style” brimming with “heady urban energy” beneath those sexy shades. For Max, life is all about “lap[ping] up the urban dynamics” of the Surrey lifestyle. Max enjoys single-occupancy vehicles, long walks across parking lots and is big into commitment — especially the 25- and 40-year variety. If long-term relationships aren’t your thing, Max is open to flipping. She’s a modern girl, after all.

Oh, one thing about going out with Max. When it comes to paying the bill, be sure to bring your VISA. No matter what happens, you’ll be paying in full.

You can’t afford to buy this

According to The Rules of Typography, boldface text is to be used sparingly. “Reserve boldface for items that can be set entirely in bold, and avoid mixing with normal, or non-boldface, text,” says the typo rule-maker.

In this ad for The Grove at Victoria Hill in New Westminster, we find a fascinating use (or misuse) of bold in the headline. The hard-hitting “You can’t afford to miss this opportunity!” curiously draws attention to the lack of affordable housing in Greater Vancouver. The spin here is that Onni wants you to see its $265,900 one-bedroom as affordable. Yet, there’s something peculiar about the bolding of those words. It’s as if the ad designer, all but certainly priced out of the market, is screaming at the reader in a final subversive act to raise awareness of housing cost insanity.

Finally, a condo ad that sees the forest for the trees.

Brio not so Grande

If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around, does it make a sound? This is a classic philosophical riddle that you’ve probably pondered at one time or another. Heck, if you studied philosophy you may have even used it as a pickup line.

Today I adapt the riddle for the Vancouver condo market. Here goes:

If Coal Harbour comes to Abbotsford and nobody cares, what happens to your pre-sale condo?

Answer? You don’t get the condo. Well, that might not be the whole story behind Brio in Abbotsford but it’s the gist of it. Like a few local condos of late, this one just didn’t work out and the developer’s decided to put things on hold. Take a break, as a soon-to-be ex-girlfriend/boyfriend might say.

What a shame. Who would’ve thought that million-dollar pricing and “New York-style amenities” wouldn’t catch on with the locals?

Oh, wait. Abbotsford. This makes sense.

Solo stands alone

This ad for Solo in Maple Ridge is a throwback to the heyday of Vancouver condo marketing; you know, back when all ads were cringe-inducing abominations that championed the worst of what the Lower Mainland has to offer. Like, OK, we get it folks: Greater Vancouver is a great place to play golf, enjoy nature, and throw surprise birthday parties for all your favourite urban professional friends.

What is actually being sold here? Is there anything about Solo that stands out from every other skybox under the Lotusland sun? From the website copy:

Imagine a city where mountains, forests, rivers and streams are at your doorstep. A destination where modern-day business amenities rub shoulders with a history that is fascinating and rich. A place that’s conveniently accessible, but one who’s beauty makes it difficult to leave.

There’s lots to tear into in that passage, but I’ll limit myself to the bit about modern-day business amenities “rubbing shoulders” with a rich and fascinating history. Somebody want to tell me what anyone is supposed to make of this? The best thing I can come up with is the thought of a Staples store as host venue for a masturbation conference.

My apologies if that’s crude but the condo is named Solo.

Sorry.

Sophia goes down

When the Eden Group of Companies said “time is running out” for their Sophia condos in Mount Pleasant, they sure weren’t kidding. If you bought pre-sale, East Van’s hottest concrete blondie just went down on you … and I don’t mean in a good way. With 85% of the building built, developer Eden pulled the plug citing cost overruns and labour shortages. At last count, 78 pre-sale buyers are now in limbo and will likely see their condos lost.

Sophia’s “Sorry, I’ll see ya”-routine isn’t the first for Eden; it wasn’t long ago that sophisticated sister Elyse pulled the same act, much to the dismay of feminists. It’s bad enough the condos failed but it really sucks that they failed and happen to be named after girls. I’m a feminist and I can tell you this doesn’t help the cause.

Whenever I’m feeling down, I look to Bob Rennie for inspiration. Turns out Bob’s got an opinion on Eden’s crush and his line of thinking might surprise you. In an interview with CTV News, Rennie tells us the “smart money” supports government intervention:

Anything the government wants to put in place to protect the [pre-sale] consumer doesn’t worry those top 15, 20 developers. If you’re getting creative with your financing, or your profit margin is too low, that developer may worry. But then again we’re protecting the consumer so let’s do it.

He may be a master of hype, but with this comment Rennie offers us a refreshing cold shower.  Cheers to you, Bob. The next latte’s on me. I am impressed.

Who let the dogs out?

The Jacobsen was one of the first puppies I had on a leash back when I started my frolic into condo-slander in early 2007. Ten months later the development’s still a dog. Man, I thought Vancouver real estate was supposed to have bite. With 15 units remaining, it’s clear this bitch is just bark. Woof.

Surrey goes Boston

When I think of Surrey, I think, “You know, this place could use a little more Boston.” For a long time, I thought my dreams would never be realized, save for that Boston Pizza near the corner of Scott Road and Nordel Way. Well, thank goodness for Adera, the “pure know how” developer. Because of their greatness, a whole ‘hood of “Boston style urban homes” are coming to Surrey. They’re calling them The Brownstones at Morgan Heights.

For maximum effect, try reading the following copy with a Massachusetts accent (any trouble, just think Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting):

Imagine living in the sunniest part of the Lower Mainland, everything you need within walking distance of your home in a true urban village. Picture your new 3-bedroom home at The Brownstones: classic beauty, contemporary style customized to your preference, and Built Green using sustainable living technology.

I’m fascinated that the developer willingly compares Surrey to Boston. Lots of crime movies are set in Boston. The Departed. Mystic River. Boondock Saints.

Interesting. That’s all I’m saying.

Live the Linden lifestyle

There are some lines I won’t cross. Despite being an anonymous blogger, I have a big thing for ethics. Something from reading all the condo builder copy about “commitment to excellence” has rubbed off on me. Satire, not slander, is my motto. I like to think I dance around it pretty well. I focus on the ads rather than personalities and I leave it open to anyone to respond.

Part of being ethical also means avoiding favouritism. No special treatment because an ad was designed by a roommate, or a person I’d like to mate with. My loyalty to objectivity must be as solid as a granite countertop. To date, it has been. But today, I must confess a lapse in judgment.

For today, I am looking at a condo being co-developed by none other than the great Trevor Linden. The condo, named West, is a 19-unit “high spec” development in Point Grey.

Having Trev involved changes the game. At least my game anyway. I know what he means to this city. For me to raise any critical suggestion, to insinuate even the slightest negative remark would be an exercise in high treason. (If Bertuzzi had his own condo, well, that’s a different story.)

Sorry, folks. I won’t mess with Vancouver’s favourite son. Trev, you’re the best, buddy. You’ll get no trouble from me.