The many mistakes of Indigo on the Lake

With rising gas prices doing their best to transform the summer road trip into science-fiction, I thought it would be fun to look at the marketing of a vacation condominium. The Indigo on the Lake condos in Osoyoos are about 400 km east of Vancouver, or roughly $125.00 in gas when driving one-way in your beloved Hummer H2.

Indigo on the Lake has been in the “news” for some time, provided you consider ads and coverage in Westcoast Homes to be news. As far as condo mascots go, the sandal-sporting rock-star wannabe standing in front of Indigo’s “actual waterfront view” is a good one — if by good you mean unintentionally hilarious. (Now you understand why I mentioned the Hummer H2.)

Indigo’s marketing is a text-book case of mixed messaging. The ad creative shows us childless couples but the ad copy speaks of family vacation homes. On the website, images of seniors drinking wine are everywhere.

Sometimes when you appeal to everyone, you appeal to no one.

Global BC and the moment of truth

If you caught last night’s Global BC News Hour, you may have witnessed a turning point in mainstream media coverage of Vancouver real estate.

If you missed it, allow me to treat you to an excerpt from the reporter’s script. Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to read is real:

The hot housing market has cooled off… According to the Real Estate Board of Greater Vancouver, condo sales have dropped by 30 per cent since last May. Nervous investors who bought pre-sales recently hoping to turn a huge profit are now trying to get rid of them. Dozens of properties that have not even completed yet are selling on Craigslist and BuildingDigger.com.

A cooling market. Sales off 30 per cent. Nervous investors.

Think about these words. They are not the usual terms to describe the Vancouver market, at least not where the mainstream media is concerned. Yet here they are, spewed from the mouth of a reporter broadcast on the most watched newscast in British Columbia.

Of course, things can only change so quickly. Leave it to Deborra Hope to put it into context:

Does that mean we’re headed for a foreclosure disaster like in the U.S.? Most experts here say no; Canadian banks are much more conservative than American banks when it comes to lending and fewer Canadians are at risk of being buried at a rise in interest rates.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I think I’ll be writing for some time longer.

Six-metre art harms condos, deported to Calgary

If you were to take the sterility and coldness of a walk-in clinic and apply it to community design, the result would be Coal Harbour. Situated in Vancouver’s downtown north-end, the C.H. is an underpopulated zone of melamine and glass — a barren IKEA showroom laid out as a neighbourhood. For the longest time, I thought nobody lived there. Sure, there are lots of condos, but walk around at night and the lights are never on.

The one thing I like about Coal Harbour is a world-renowned piece of public art — a sculpture that most locals have come to know as The Upside-Down Church. It’s the kind of cool, controversial art installation you remember. As a conversation-starter and meeting place, it’s first rate.

But don’t go looking for it now. The piece is gone. A victim not of controversy, but the Vancouver real estate machine. From the Globe and Mail:

While some U.S. Christians denounced the sculpture as blasphemous, the problem in Vancouver wasn’t so much religion as it was real estate. Residents of the spiffy Coal Harbour neighbourhood complained that the more than six-metre-tall (and wide) statue obstructed their scenic view. The Park Board agreed.

John Bromley with Benefic Group, the philanthropy-focused law firm in Vancouver that owns the sculpture, didn’t. “The condos seem to block the water more than the sculpture does,” he says.

And with that, the sculpture is off to Calgary. Bromley says Vancouver doesn’t deserve the benefit of the piece anywhere in the city. Essentially, if Vancouver were a true world-class city, it wouldn’t hold such a callous view of public art.

Bromley’s right. And once again, Vancouver fails to live up to its own ambitions. In a choice between condos and culture, condos rule. World-class, my ass.

But hey, the views are good, aren’t they?

Mr. Vain’s Miramar Village

Miramar Village is one of those condo projects that seems stuck forever. Like White Rock’s big white rock, it’s going nowhere. Don’t be fooled by allegations of “limited opportunity” — this $721,000+ stinker has been on the market since at least 2006. The ad copy doesn’t lie; this is vintage condo hype:

At Miramar Village, you can reward yourself with a lifestyle that many long for, and few seem to find. A refined condominium lifestyle that offers the opportunity to enjoy weekends spent doing what you want to do, rather than things you have to do.

True to old-school Vancouver condo marketing, the narcissism in the copy is stronger than you’d find in the Yaletown Cactus Club on a Friday night, prompting speculation that 90s Eurodance group Culture Beat has been hired as a special consultant.

“I know what I want and I want it now. I want you cause I’m Mr. Vain.”

Now that’s a kick-ass condo theme song!

At Stella, it’s “smart” to pay higher prices

This ad for Stella at 12th and Kingsway follows Argyle’s lead with the use of what I call “The Uncomfortable Model” motif. In this example, we have a man allegedly named Jason and living in “TH 6” in the Stella development. Though Jason doesn’t seem as uneasy as the Argyle couple — he seems happy with his coffee — there’s something off about his pose. It’s as if he’s sitting on a sharp piece of stale biscotti but being successful at negotiating the pain.

Jason shares two quotes in the ad, the most amusing being his kindergarten-level insight that Stella is a good investment because “a comparable place ten minutes away would cost far more.”

Uh, yeah. Thanks for that, Jason. Glad you could share with me what I missed on the last episode of Sesame Street. Who would’ve thought in real estate, location impacts price!

Jason, if I can give you a lesson: Take a look at the website of the Maverick Real Estate Corporation. That’s the marketing firm that created the Stella ad you’re in. Their website talks a lot about their knack for selling condos. You might take an interest in this:

Stella Vancouver: A unique combination of a 99 suite tower over top of Honda automotive dealership — the first of its kind in Canada. Dramatically higher prices achieved than other comparable buildings.

Ten seconds of research and you find that the marketer is laughing in your face, boasting about the “dramatically higher prices” they’ve secured from buyers just like you.

I’m sorry, Jason. Your investment in Stella wasn’t so smart.

Argyle’s hangover

This ad for the Argyle townhomes in Abbotsford is one of the worst condo ads in a long time. Could this couple be any more unconvincing? “Take the damn picture!” is all I get from their tired, hungover faces. She looks like she’s ten seconds from passing out and the angle of his left arm inadvertently hints at a horrific accident. Argyle Andy: He tried to beat the train…and lost.

Let this be a lesson for you kids out there: Don’t get drunk and play near the tracks or you might find yourself in a condo ad.

What a wreck.

Live the receivership lifestyle

Anyone who orders a hot chocolate at Tim Hortons knows about the muck at the bottom of the cup. For the unfamiliar, this is the gritty syrup stuff that tends to make up the last 5% of the drink. It’s disgusting and represents the worst of what Timmy’s has to offer.

The condo marketing equivalent of the Ho-Ho sludge is the receivership sale.

No surprise that this ad for some Garden City condo in Richmond leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The ad implies the project going into receivership is somehow a good thing. Am I alone in thinking a one-bedroom starting at $299,900 is not much of a “fire sale” deal? And what’s with the missing apostrophe on the website copy? Does going into receivership mean there’s no money to include the apostrophe in “Richmonds [sic] best value!”?

The only thing that could make this ad worse is if it featured a model holding a coffee mug. Not that condo marketers are still into that cliche. That’s so 2006. Oh wait. Failed that test too.

The cup o’ cocoa muck is looking pretty good right now.

The global confession

With the Vancouver media so consumed with local real estate coverage, you’d think it was in the news everywhere in the world. Scan the headlines outside of B.C. and the answer is clear: The world isn’t talking about Vancouver.

That said, every once in a while the international media does opt to join in on the fun. The International Herald Tribune took their turn last week. In a manner typical of foreign coverage, the article starts with a few fast facts about Vancouver’s rising prices before turning the whole thing over to the superstar realtors for commentary. Interviewed are Bob Rennie and Malcolm Hasman. (Perhaps Zoost hoped to chip in but had a “problem” with his phone?)

For their part, King Bob and Malcolm the Mogul share stories of spectacular success: Sales are ahead of projections, wealthy immigrants are eager to buy, it’s busiest market in 25 years, etc. But buried within the kibbles and bites is one revolutionary, absolutely astonishing quote. From the mouth of Mega Malcolm:

A lot of prices have been reduced to some degree… But the truth is, they were overly inflated to start with.

Coming from a top realtor, this is a revelation of epic proportions. It’s not everyday we hear something like this. In fact, up until this Spring with listings achieving record highs, it would be heretical for an industry official to speak with such negativity.

Ladies and gentlemen, the day of reckoning is coming. You have been warned.

The chickens are coming home to Zoost

For all my complaints about the Sun, I love that they have a place for David Baines. Baines is a relentless pitbull of a reporter. If you’re in business and have a troubled past, watch out: Baines is out for blood.

In his column in the weekend edition, Baines takes the meat grinder to Robert Zoost, an Okanagan realtor with a superstar media image for his “ability” to sell multi-million dollar luxury properties to his “A-list” celebrity clients. Not wanting to trust the hype, Baines does his own research. Turns out Kelowna’s boy wonder is also a real estate enfant terrible. As Baines details in his hugely entertaining expose:

Real estate regulators have found [Zoost] guilty of professional misconduct on at least two occasions. Creditors have been hounding him to pay long-overdue debts. He is facing assault charges in connection with two separate incidents. And since he moved to Kelowna nine months ago, he has completed the sale of only one property over $1 million, raising the question as to whether he can reasonably be called “the million-dollar man.”

What you just read was Baines being nice. His article proceeds to tear Zoost a second anus with allegations of balances owing to the Nanaimo Stop & Shop (a preferred destination of high rollers, no doubt) and an ex-lover who accuses her former beau of skipping out on cellphone bills.

Baines also chastises for the Z-Man for his shameless self-promotion, citing an unidentified media report about Zoost zipping around town in a pimped out Mercedes. Never mind the car was his girlfriend’s. Ouch.

But for all this comedy, the thing that does it for me is Zoost’s penchant for his own publicity. Just go to his website. From the “Z” crest emblem to the Flash animation commemorating his hubris, it’s absolutely, sensationally hilarious.

Forget Bob Rennie. Gimme Bob Zoost.

Pulse, now with shirt

The Topless Babe in Shades is back only this time she has a shirt and free time to stroll the seawall. Who knows what she’s thinking about but something tells me she’s intellectual. After that whole watermelon thing, it’s hard to believe she isn’t packing some brainpower. Face it, no one acts out a gourd fetish on a whim — it’s the kind of thing you do only after you’ve thought long and hard about what you really want.

Not that I’m into her or anything. What’s compelling about a single, financially secure twenty-something in Kitsilano? Sure, she owns her own place, has a healthy sexuality and enjoys long walks on the beach.

No, I don’t want to ask her out. Not at all. No.

Leave me alone.