When I was in university, I came across an essay by a guy who as an experiment recorded each and every minute of every single television channel available to him, recording each channel for a full 24 hours. He spent the next semester (or three) watching the tapes and hoped to discover the fundamental message of television. In the end, he concluded television’s message is that you are the most important person in the universe.
Notwithstanding the academic’s dubious method — did he really need to watch all that TV to come to that answer? — his finding is consistent with what most of us consider common sense. But make no mistake, the celebration of narcissism isn’t exclusive to the tube. In fact, TV is but one vehicle in a parking lot full of vacuous media hype machines forever reminding you of your incontrovertible magnificence.
Condo marketing is no different. As the hucksters pitching Polygon’s Watercolours condo in Burnaby gleefully point out, sometimes the world does revolve around you:
At Watercolours in Burnaby, you truly are at the centre of it all. Take the SkyTrain to a downtown restaurant or a hockey game at GM Place. Visit Deer Lake Park or walk to the shops at Brentwood Town Centre. Urban living with a spin.
The last line gets me the most. Urban living with a spin? That’s the understatement of the day. If you’re looking for overstatement, take a browse at the write-up on Watercolours in New Home Buyers Guide:
Animating each face of the [Watercolours] tower is a series of winged private balconies. At ground level, over-height glazing imparts dramatic visual impact to the soaring entry lobby and resident’s amenity area. An impressive water feature, lush landscaping, and a decorative paved drive-in courtyard highlight the grand entry.
Grand indeed. Can you think of any more spectacular way to communicate that the condo comes with a front door and a paved driveway?
The comedy continues as we move into the suite and learn about the kitchen and bathroom:
The family gourmand will slip on an apron with pleasure; superior quality stainless steel appliances by Whirlpool make for effortless mealtimes. Goodbye takeout, hello inspiration…. Let your hard day meet your inviting soaker tub with a heavy sigh. Relax and unwind in your exclusive ensuite and primp and preen to your heart’s content: oversized vanity mirrors lit by elegant designer lighting will transform your grooming and styling into an art form.
The article goes on with even more stylistic flourishes, at one point calling the nearby Burnaby Mountain Golf Course an opportunity to “unleash your inner Tiger” — this is a direct quote. The tower itself is described as residing in a “protective enclave” off the Lougheed Highway. Consider that image. Now that’s a sad painting.