Broken wind at Windsor Gate

Pity poor Bank of Canada. Cutting the interest rate and signaling an economic slowdown — what are they thinking? Don’t they realize that this time it’s different?

If only the central bank knew the limitless potential of Metro Vancouver real estate. The people obviously get it and that’s why they respond to ads like this one for Windsor Gate. I mean, we’re talking about a masterplanned community in Coquitlam whose mascot is the ass of a headless bellhop — this place only knows how to make money. Cash out your GICs and call your agent now. Quit your job too. You have so much money to make in real estate, you might as well stop working. Not like anyone in Vancouver makes a living off working anyway. The bellhop in this ad, he owns sixteen Surrey condos and only does the servant thing for the fun of it.

Kudos to Polygon for going outside of their template comfort zone.

Template at Meridian Gate

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a template!

More specifically, a Polygon template ad for Meridian Gate in Richmond. Why bother with an original concept when you can go with what always works?

Clean, inoffensive design with double-spaced type and all your favourite keywords including:

• Exciting address!
• Contemporary apartment residences!
• Evolving area!
• Village-style!

Honest to blog — yeah, I just wrote that — this kind of condo ad is like sex in a relationship that’s gone on too long. It gets the job done and you’ll take it over nothing but it’s far from exciting and new.

Condo copy and paste

Working in marketing is a grind. Those who’ve been in the business know it’s one thing after another after another. There’s little time to reflect on your work or connect with the product you’re selling. The client wants an ad, you make an ad. Then you move on to the next thing.

Despite its image as a “creative” industry, the marketing business is notoriously uninspired and boring. If anything, marketers seek homogeneity. Why be original, when it’s so much cheaper to do the same as everybody else? What start new when you can do what you did before?

In marketing their developments, Polygon Homes seems to have fully embraced a template approach to condo advertising. Look at this copy for Montage, a new condo in the Brentwood Mall area of North Burnaby:

Discover Montage, Polygon’s newest collection of apartment homes in Burnaby’s up-and-coming Brentwood neighbourhood. Enjoy the convenience of urban living surrounded by a sense of freedom.

That’s straight from Polygon’s website. See how it compares to the copy for another Polygon project, Meridian Gate:

Discover a community rich in both tradition and lifestyle in central Richmond. Discover Meridian Gate – the first of many new communities by Polygon in the up-and-coming Alexandra Gardens neighbourhood.

But why stop there? Take a sniff of this stink from Polygon’s Cathedral Grove:

Nestled in a serene setting amongst a grove of existing trees, you’ll discover Cathedral Grove, Polygon’s new executive-style townhome community in the revered Morgan Heights neighbourhood of South Surrey.

In each case, the reader is invited to “discover” the said condo or townhouse. Each property is positioned as belonging to a certain kind of neighbourhood, which is further characterized as being part of some larger community. All suggest an enveloping experience for the buyer — i.e. urban living surrounded by a sense of freedom, a community rich in both tradition and lifestyle, a serene setting amongst a grove, etc.

Polygon commits no wrong in marketing its properties with a set style and format. But it does suggest an emptiness to the ideas being presented. Once broken down into elements, the messaging is easily seen as being applicable to any condo, anywhere.

As a final thought, I offer a definition of the word montage:

The technique of combining in a single composition pictorial elements from various sources, as parts of different photographs or fragments of printing, either to give the illusion that the elements belonged together originally.

The illusion of originality as a name for a condo? This may be the smartest and most honest thing I’ve seen in condo marketing in a long time.

Commute time like never before

Any time a condo marketer pitches a property as unique, consider it a red flag. If you’re looking for a garden of red flags blowing in the wind of the hucksters’ hot air, then Collage in Burnaby is the place for you.

Urban living like never before. That’s the tagline for these “contemporary and stylish urban residences.” That’s some claim. I guess the folks at Polygon would have us believe that these are the first two-bedroom apartment homes in the Lower Mainland.

Polygon would also have us believe in its bizarre form of condo transit math. Commuting estimates always warrant special attention when they come from condo pitchmen as best demonstrated by Bob Rennie and the infamous “one minute from Vancouver” campaign for OMA. For Collage, we’re told that a trip to downtown Vancouver via the Millennium Line is accomplishable in “just ten minutes.”

Well, this might be true if the Millennium Line ran into downtown, but if you’re heading westbound from Brentwood Station, the route actually ends at Commercial Drive. When you get to the transfer station at Broadway, prepare for a heavy sprint to Expo Line platform a half-block away, and then hope you make a perfect connection and don’t have to fight to fit into the overloaded train car.

Any expectation of pulling this off during rush hour will ensure only one thing: You’ll be late for work like never before.

Watercolour blues

When I was in university, I came across an essay by a guy who as an experiment recorded each and every minute of every single television channel available to him, recording each channel for a full 24 hours. He spent the next semester (or three) watching the tapes and hoped to discover the fundamental message of television. In the end, he concluded television’s message is that you are the most important person in the universe.

Notwithstanding the academic’s dubious method — did he really need to watch all that TV to come to that answer? — his finding is consistent with what most of us consider common sense. But make no mistake, the celebration of narcissism isn’t exclusive to the tube. In fact, TV is but one vehicle in a parking lot full of vacuous media hype machines forever reminding you of your incontrovertible magnificence.

Condo marketing is no different. As the hucksters pitching Polygon’s Watercolours condo in Burnaby gleefully point out, sometimes the world does revolve around you:

At Watercolours in Burnaby, you truly are at the centre of it all. Take the SkyTrain to a downtown restaurant or a hockey game at GM Place. Visit Deer Lake Park or walk to the shops at Brentwood Town Centre. Urban living with a spin.

The last line gets me the most. Urban living with a spin? That’s the understatement of the day. If you’re looking for overstatement, take a browse at the write-up on Watercolours in New Home Buyers Guide:

Animating each face of the [Watercolours] tower is a series of winged private balconies. At ground level, over-height glazing imparts dramatic visual impact to the soaring entry lobby and resident’s amenity area. An impressive water feature, lush landscaping, and a decorative paved drive-in courtyard highlight the grand entry.

Grand indeed. Can you think of any more spectacular way to communicate that the condo comes with a front door and a paved driveway?

The comedy continues as we move into the suite and learn about the kitchen and bathroom:

The family gourmand will slip on an apron with pleasure; superior quality stainless steel appliances by Whirlpool make for effortless mealtimes. Goodbye takeout, hello inspiration…. Let your hard day meet your inviting soaker tub with a heavy sigh. Relax and unwind in your exclusive ensuite and primp and preen to your heart’s content: oversized vanity mirrors lit by elegant designer lighting will transform your grooming and styling into an art form.

The article goes on with even more stylistic flourishes, at one point calling the nearby Burnaby Mountain Golf Course an opportunity to “unleash your inner Tiger” — this is a direct quote. The tower itself is described as residing in a “protective enclave” off the Lougheed Highway. Consider that image. Now that’s a sad painting.