The incredible bulk

You could almost believe the ad is coloured with human blood.  This is a full-pager for the second phase of Mac Marketing’s condo slaughter sale.  A full page in The Vancouver Sun is in the ballpark of a downpayment on a starter home.  By starter home I mean one-bedroom apartment.  If you think I’m talking SFH, you’re high on drugs or live in Prince Rupert, or both.

I have little to say about the value of the Mac Bulk condos.  You’ll have to do your own research.  From a marketing perspective, I like the simplicity of the campaign, though I could do without the corporate masturbation in the copy.  Actually I could really do without it.  Consumers don’t care who “negotiated” the discount pricing.  The point is the pricing.  That’s it.  Everything else is pump-up talk for the sales staff.  Save it for your next Tony Robbins seminar.  If we’re gonna talk real estate, let’s talk price.

Individuality has a floor plan

For once, I’d like a condo ad to appeal to something other than individuality. Can’t people buy shelter for its value as — wait for it — shelter?  

Today’s ad is vintage fromage.  It’s stinky bad.  Get a whiff of this copy:

For you, everything is not black or white.  You appreciate both refined classic elegance and innovative contemporary flair.  You respect the past but revel in the possibilities of the future.  That’s why Q1 is the perfect showcase for your sophisticated style.  In South East False Creek’s newest community you’ll find comfort, convenience and an exciting, distinctive neighbourhood that mirrors your individuality.

Q1, more than an address — a bold statement of your signature style.

You could have a master’s degree in English and there’s no making sense of this.  I bet the author doesn’t even know what it means.  A neighbourhood that mirrors your individuality?  Incredibly, someone thought the ad would be “lacking” if it didn’t have the prose.

If Adam Smith were alive today, he’d strangle himself with his own invisible hand.

Go root yourself

Origin is a new condo development in Pitt Meadows. The marketing blitz for these “stylish, luxury condos” began about a month ago with a full-page back-cover ad in the Georgia Straight. With its minimalist orange colour scheme, Origin’s palette looks like it was stolen fresh from ING Direct. This is but one problem in this “marketing solution” engineered by the folks at MAC Marketing Solutions.

Another problem is the tagline. “Get rooted?” Yuck. Sounds like something you’d say in disrespect of someone’s mother. In fact, it’s the kind of thing you might hear replacing a swear word in an edited-for-television version of an R-rated movie. You know, like when Kevin Bacon in the TV edit of Oliver Stone’s JFK contributes “mother fletcher” to the film’s verbal potpourri.

If first impressions count, then Origin starts off on the wrong foot. Funny enough, the copy on the Origin’s website offers an opinion on this very subject:

First impressions are important and Origin’s is one of timeless elegance, thanks to West Coast-inspired architecture and enduring, natural-looking materials like timber, brick and Hardie plank siding.

“Natural-looking materials?” Oh no they didn’t. Oh no they did! You heard it here first, friends. Fibre board is now the new oak. Quick, let’s read some more copy to see if they can salvage themselves:

Origin’s ideal Pitt Meadows location offers countless urban amenities and incredible natural beauty right at your doorstep. Living at Origin will put you within a few blocks of every urban essential: Starbucks, IGA, Shoppers Drug Mart and the local Farmers Market. Start here, and go anywhere.

Go anywhere is one way of putting it. Only when I’m gone, I’ll stay gone. But I’ll be nice and give them one last chance:

The intimate community includes intuitively designed junior one-bedroom, one-bedroom, one-bedroom plus-den and two-bedroom suites – all of which deliver refrishingly versatile floor plans with anywhere from 529 to 922 square feet and spacious areas for entertaining.

“Refrishingly?” Now that’s a first impression. I wonder if the construction will match the attention to the detail demonstrated in the copy?

Am I too mean-spirited with that last remark? Not a chance. Because with a project named Origin, one thing is for sure: it’s survival of the fittest.

Luxury is in the details

Not wanting to fall into a trap of repeated Surrey bashing — two posts so far and this blog isn’t even two weeks old — I’m hucking today’s quips to the northeast. Pack the bags, kids. It’s time to visit Pitt Meadows, the natural place to grow. (That’s the district’s official slogan, not my editorial judgment.)

For all you folks hurling the hype that there’s never been a better time to buy, I ask you to explain value-for-money in spending $319,900 for a 1,000 square-foot box in Pitt Meadows.

Welcome to Keystone.

Apparently, at least as far as MAC Marketing Solutions is concerned, the luxury of Keystone is in the details. Details including a washer and dryer, wood cabinets and tiled entries and bathrooms. If you haven’t fainted yet from all the opulence, you better not risk it by learning that Keystone also provides buyers with parking stalls. Two of them.

Your life. Your home.

Your money.