Dreams of green

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a popular proverb that I’ve never been able to get behind. It’s a reckless concept, never mind an insult to those who make good covers. A cover, like an ad, is an invitation to make an investment. How is it a good idea to invest in something without considering the available information about it?

I bring this up to discuss a mysterious Coal Harbour condo dubbed Three Harbour Green. I know nothing about it beyond its amateur ad, a blue-and-purple monstrosity depicting a mask and a passion for centre justification. Apparently the mask represents the “front-row seats to the good life” but all I see a prop from the set of Eyes Wide Shut.

The copy is by-the-numbers condo hype, prestigious address and all:

Coal Harbour’s last, true waterfront development. Vancouver’s most prestigious waterfront address. House-size floor plans, unobstructed 10-foot floor-to-ceiling harbour views, and award-winning Italian style by Snaidero, MOVE, L’O di Giotto and others.

Let us put you in front-row seats. Then, let us put you on a plane to Italy.

What’s with the last line? Is that some sort of a new amenity? Condo, now with flex room and deportation.

No prices are listed in the ad but it’s obvious these are a multi-million dollar homes. Why such a lame ad? If the developer can afford to throw in tickets to Rome, why is the ad made so cheap?

Oh wait. This is Vancouver condo marketing. Right.

Six-metre art harms condos, deported to Calgary

If you were to take the sterility and coldness of a walk-in clinic and apply it to community design, the result would be Coal Harbour. Situated in Vancouver’s downtown north-end, the C.H. is an underpopulated zone of melamine and glass — a barren IKEA showroom laid out as a neighbourhood. For the longest time, I thought nobody lived there. Sure, there are lots of condos, but walk around at night and the lights are never on.

The one thing I like about Coal Harbour is a world-renowned piece of public art — a sculpture that most locals have come to know as The Upside-Down Church. It’s the kind of cool, controversial art installation you remember. As a conversation-starter and meeting place, it’s first rate.

But don’t go looking for it now. The piece is gone. A victim not of controversy, but the Vancouver real estate machine. From the Globe and Mail:

While some U.S. Christians denounced the sculpture as blasphemous, the problem in Vancouver wasn’t so much religion as it was real estate. Residents of the spiffy Coal Harbour neighbourhood complained that the more than six-metre-tall (and wide) statue obstructed their scenic view. The Park Board agreed.

John Bromley with Benefic Group, the philanthropy-focused law firm in Vancouver that owns the sculpture, didn’t. “The condos seem to block the water more than the sculpture does,” he says.

And with that, the sculpture is off to Calgary. Bromley says Vancouver doesn’t deserve the benefit of the piece anywhere in the city. Essentially, if Vancouver were a true world-class city, it wouldn’t hold such a callous view of public art.

Bromley’s right. And once again, Vancouver fails to live up to its own ambitions. In a choice between condos and culture, condos rule. World-class, my ass.

But hey, the views are good, aren’t they?

Breathe at Melville

Vancouver condo marketers continue to showcase their asinine approach to the English language with The Melville Landmark Series — an “exclusive collection of signature residences” now erected in downtown Vancouver.

Starting at $950,000, The Melville is certainly intended for the well-heeled, though not necessarily the well-read. According to the ad, The Melville’s penthouse and eight signature residences offer views guaranteed to take your “breathe” away. (Click the ad for an enlarged view.)

Now I assume the marketer meant breath, but who knows? I’m not really in the demographic for this sort of property so perhaps throwing on the extra “e” is part of a secret language understood by the wealthy.

Kudos go out to Anson Realty, The Melville’s exclusive marketer, for the bonus vowel. In business since 1980, Anson Realty describes the key to its success as “the commitment of our well-trained and dedicated team of knowledgeable professionals….to deliver the best possible market results.”

I’ll let you be the judge on their commitment and dedication to proofreading.